: notes to self :

meet me in the morning, then you'll wake up

and she can hardly breathe without you

It was a perfect day for softball, but despite the sunshine and divet-less field, we still lost. it was a close one 12-11 for them, and I think this was the most disappointing game of the season so far, because we were in this until the very end. one measley run. sigh.

i continued my undisputed streak of poor hitting/defence, but that's not what is getting to me. my sucky play i can deal with... my sucky attitude i can't. to make things short, i took advantage of family ties and let my moodiness erupt into an ill-worded tirade, for which i am horribly embarrassed and sorry. i feel kind of sick about it and i've apologized, but i still feel all at sea.
.
.
.
i was wondering what was happening to me, where the moodiness was coming from... i've been pretty cheery of late, everyday things have been going fine. but since thursday, i've started to feel unsettled. foundations shifting, rearranging. and as usual, it's because of faith issues.

i realized this was the case because of a conversation i had with a high school friend that happened to be playing on the other team. i was genuinely happy to see him, excited to hear what he was up to. following the game, after i soundly reprimanded him for hitting a huge fly ball straight at me, we started talking about some fairly heavy issues and i was almost stunned when i heard what he was saying.

this guy, rather this boy i had known in high school was suddenly a grown up. it was almost...beautiful...to hear him talk about his faith in such a steadfast way. yes, it sometimes sounded a bit cliched. yes, he used a few of those typical catch phrases that Christians use to explain God works. But despite this, I could feel his passion. I looked at him, solid, unwavering, even though his misery ran deep, so deep i could never understand it, and was amazed and sad at the same time. amazed that this once reticent boy had become a man who speaks and believes with a passion that is rare.


he's grown up.


and i haven't. that's who i'm sad for. not him, who will get through this hurt, but me. i'm still such a child when it comes to spiritual growth. i'm frustrated because i can't seem to be getting anywhere, spinning my wheels, stuck in neutral, insert whatever other metaphor you want. in a fit of self-directed anger, this verse came to mind:

1 corinthians 13:11:
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

i'm not taking mercy seriously and i've become pretty complacent. when am i going to grow up? if i can't even step up now, how can i handle being responsible for bigger things... like another person's heart? another being's life...? i guess i've done a good job at ignoring the little tremors of despair that have occuring lately due to everything from the state of global politics to household dynamics, leaving them to create a chasm of frustration, while I run around Martha-style. i apologize for my moodiness. I apologize for not taking You seriously. I apologize...

uncharted


it seems silly!
(and maybe even a little crazy?)

but i actually |miss| him.




this may or may not be a good thing.





see,it'sverygreatthatrightnowisbusybusybusybusybusy BUSY-
ithelps.itreallydoes.becauseotherthingsareimportanttoo
andyoudon'twanttoforgeththatyouhavethingstodoprojectstofinish
commitmentsappointmentspromisestokeep.

and...
y'know...










s

p

a

c

e


is
good.























i hope the koreans don't take advantage of him.
























but remember self, this may all end badly.
like pat boone's attempt at metal.

erhm?!

so i think i dreamt about being in a town hall-like forum discussing the possible LCBO strike. there was an emo girl at the mike, passionately protesting prohibition.


??!!


and then another dream sequence had me complaining about japanese-made powder foundations and how they can make skin look gray in the summer.


??!!



also:

i can't stop listening to the amos lee album.





amos lee || all my friends

All my friends
They got broken wings
Never will you hear them asking why the caged bird sings
All my friends
They know how to live
Oh, so much sorrow and so much love to give

beached








Harlequin Blazers + ringers at the Heatwave 2005 tournament for Sick Kids.
(l-r: Proofreading, Ringer #1, DTC, Overseas marketing, Ringer #2, Ringer #3, Ringer #4... yes, that's right folks. Out of a company of almost 400 ppl, only THREE!!! employees signed up to play! sigh.)

crash into me...

I finally saw Crash last night, although not in optimal movie-watching-mode since I was recovering from a Ka-Chi induced coma and fighting off an advancing allergy-ridden haze. One of the best parts of the movie was that Paul Haggis managed to get so many actors to play against type-and well! There was such gravity in a lot of the performances. Standouts include Don Cheadle (love love), Sandra Bullock, Terence Dashon Howard, Matt Dillon and Ludacris. go see! you'll really like how it's unsettling and hopefully challenges you to actively break down stereotypes.






on a completely different note.



my boss and I have decided that we may start a side-business dealing illicit pharmaceuticals and killing dealers with kindess to earn our share of the market. this conversation took place after injesting a decongestant, so it may or may not have happened.

trying to finish, but getting distracted

i went to the toronto street festival celebrations last night, mainly to see Les Giraffes. i wasn't expecting to see so many people out, as one of my coworkers, who lives in toronto, didn't even know what the street festival was. it was a really chill atmosphere-toronto at its best. Only two things made me cringe: the MC, Sean Cullen, singing an original song called "Wood, Cheese and Children"; two lean-bodied and sweaty Torontonians entertaining a crowd with their... hackysack finesse. Is hackysack a really Canadian thing? Is it worth the adoration of a few?


A few things I learned in the 3 hours I was there:

1. One should never pay $4.00 for street meat. EXTORTION.
2. Street festivals are so fun
3. There are SO MANY fanatic Great Big Sea fans in T.O. Where are all of the Newfies hiding??!!
3b) Great Big Sea puts on a good show, so I can sort of understand the afore mentioned fanticism. Although, I'm pretty sure their Newfoundland charm tempers the commitment-phobic lyrics that seem to be in a lot of their songs
4. Les Giraffes was spectacular (impatiently waiting for film to be developed)
5. I'm not that short
6. Urban Outfitters has cute hats/accessories
7. anonymity can be calming
8. People love things that go BOOM
9. following the giraffes was more stressful than it seemed
10. Holly Cole gets no love from the young 'uns


Les Giraffes is playing again tonight at Dundas Square-check it out if you have a chance!

can you tell i don't like my book?

there's only so much text about a sexy computer-saavy PI and a vengeful yet gorgeous ex-Army officer tracking down a murderer in New Mexico that a girl can take.




10 years ago I
1. was finishing Gr 9 at SDSS
2. was starting Gr 10 at UHS
3. moved to Markham

5 years ago I
1. was finishing first year Life Sci at UT
2. was missing high school
3. was working at a photo lab on the weekends

2 years ago I
1. was nervously getting ready to go to Japan
2. was feeling conflicted about a guy friend
3. graduated from university with a B.Sc (hah!)

1 year ago I
1. getting ready for an HfH trip in Malaysia, and seeing family in Indonesia
2. was a teacher to some of the cutest children on the face of this earth
3. was saying a difficult goodbye to Japan

1 month ago I
1. was excited for the start of the CCSA season
2. played in my first ever Ultimate game and survived
3. lost badly in poker, but did pretty well in Pictionary

Yesterday I
1. didn't get on base ONCE in the HLQ softball game
2. took a nap in my car
3. tried to convince Liz to give it a Go

3 things I can't live without
1. God
2. friends/family
3. music

3 things I would buy with $1,000
1. a plane ticket
2. a Lomo LC-A
3. bricks for the new building

3 bad habits I have
1. shyness
2. procrastination
3. watching bad reality TV (like the Surreal Life. sigh)

3 shows I like
1. Jamie's School Dinners
2. Project Runway
3. The Cosby Show

3 things that scare me
1. domestic violence
2. natural disasters
3. ignorant people

3 things I am wearing right now
1. beige skirt
2. green t-shirt
3. green chandelier earrings

3 of my favorite bands / musical artists
1. JM
2. Yamazaki Masayoshi
3. Miles Davis

3 things you want to do really badly right now
1. finish knitting my square for work
2. run
3. laugh really hard with someone

3 places you want to go on vacation
1. South America
2. Europe
3. Tibet

3 things that have made me cry lately
1. seeing my grandmother's funeral pictures
2. talking to my aunt
3. a CBC Radio 1 programme about families dealing with cancer

is this really awful?


but I just wish for once the main characters would break up and leave each other in disgust at the end of the book.








also: work is beginning to seem a bit like high-school, but a harmless, light-hearted spinoff. we've got romantic triangles, gossip queens, not-so-cliquey cliques, field trips, tasty but high-calorie food occasionally available on the premises, sporting triumphs and failures, and a desire to succeed in the arts. i think i even saw a Mr Beck-like clone lurking around on the 6th floor once.

chechnya. new york. bali. iraq. guantanamo bay. beslan. london.



world on fire || sarah mclaughlan






Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone


Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some

qu'est-ce que tu fait...

dans le dernier semaine du jun?

ma jolie homegirl est arrive a Toronto. Le 27 de Jun c'est l'anniversaire d'elle. Nous faisons un partie surprise pour Liz. Regardez mes photos!

Attention! C'est un petit feu dans la cuisine! Regarder les touristes japonais en derriere-les otaku est arrivez!




tout le monde



Bon anniversaire, ma meilleur amie!

Pour le fete nationale, je veux a MONTREAL!! avec mes amis aka Les Jeune Filles. Francais est un peu difficile, non? Je suis fatigue... SWITCH!

I was so excited for Montreal for a few reasons:
1. I had never been to Montreal-I know, how shameful! (The only thing I really knew about Montreal was what I read in Duddy Kravitz. As such, I was constantly on the lookout for scrawny Jewish kids with beady eyes and uncompromising ambition strolling down St Urbain)
2. Summer road trip!
3. chilling with Les Jeune Filles
4. patioooooo-o!

We rented a car from Budget for the trip-a Ford Focus or the 4-door economy sedan equivalent. Sunny Ford days, here we come. So imagine our surprise when the clerk at the desk informed June and I that we had been "upgraded!" We both looked at each other with apprehension, visions of gas-guzzling SUVs dancing in our heads.

"Um, upgraded to what, exactly?"

"Oh, that car out there."
We turned... and laid our eyes on...

A Ford Crown Victoria.


A huge, Cadillac-like car of Buick proportions. Economy car, why hast thou forsaken us??!! June tried to negotiate with the clerk, offering to take the cute Toyota Matrix off their hands in exchange for the Crown Victoria. instead we were given some rubbish about the Matrix being a customer's car blah blah blah. It's not like we were leaving the country. Sheesh.

Anyways, June and I were right stunned for a few minutes once we got outside and observed our "car" up close. We kind of circled it apprehensively, not sure how to approach it, wondering if it would suddenly rear back on its wheels and devour us. To appreciate the enormity of the undertaking, let me show you the ancestry of the Crown Vic:



Yeah, it was birthed from THAT legacy. A tradition of big, American, and did i mention, BIG? June got in behind the driver's seat and I kid you not, the girl only took up half of the driver's seat. Thank goodness she found the seatbelt quickly, for I was afraid she was going to fall off the seat's precipice and be lost to me forever.

I kid and I joke, but really, our Crown Vicky was super fun to drive once we got over the BIG and BIGGER aspect of it. V8 engines all. the. way.

Look how happy June looks Friday morning, as she has finally mastered the Crown Vicky:



the money shot:



Getting to Montreal was a breeze, although there was a bit of a tense moment when I was driving. Totally forgetting about the inevitable Rip Van Winkle-like nap that overtakes my person when i sit in a moving vehicle with a full stomach, I decided to take the 2nd driving shift... after lunch.

"And the award for Most Blindly Enthusiastic goes to..."

Let's just say after a close call with the road shoulder, Mary drove the rest of the way.

I was tres excited to hang out with the locals. After all, my obviously BRILLIANT linguistic skills would mark me as a native Montrealer, for sure. Like, totalement. As such, I was able to discern between tourists and the real Montrealers.


Example:
the guy in the white shirt? the real deal. ca c'est bon!
the plant? so obviously a TOU-RIST. git back you Anglo-flora!




The first night's post-dinner activity led us to Club 737. There really isn't much to say other than if I had to, for some reason, design my own personal Hell, it would borrow elements from this experience. Namely the torturous sets of AWFUL AWFUL reggae music and skeevy high-schoolers jacked up on Red Bull. What a waste of a skirt. You might think from this reaction that I don't like clubbing. Gasp, quelle horreur! ;)

Day 2 arrived full of heightened expectations, and after a tastefully restrained shopping romp down Rue St Catherine, and a lovely patio lunch, Montreal was becoming quite easy on the eye. I managed to sneak off for Lone Ranger exploring while the rest of Les Jeunes Filles napped in our conveniently located hotel, probably worn out by their Adventures in Shopping. I found the Musee des Beaux-Arts, traversed up a really, really steep hill, and spent almost 20 minutes in a grungy parking lot trying to shoot rooftops and brick walls.

Evening fell graciously onto the MN, and we were determined to make amends for the previous night's horrors.


from Newtown restaurant's rooftop patio on Crescent St:

these were salmon tempura rolls. I almost cried in joy parce que they were so freaking delicieux. Sigh.



bon chance, bon gout.



the rest of the night came and went with considerably less distress than the previous evening. Mary and I even managed to sneak in a 3am BK run, though I held back from buying BK poutine. Je suis intelligent, non? After cramming in another patio meal and a failed St Urbain bagel mission Sunday morning, we found ourselves back on the 401, heading west. It was a really fun and challenging trip, and I'm so glad Les Jeunes Filles were so enjoyable and laid-back.


Goodbye Crown Vicky! You made the 401 quite bearable!
Goodbye Novotel! Your location made life (i.e. cab fare) much better!
Goodbye crazy taxi drivers! I hope to regain some of the years lost off my life because of your insane driving through yoga or something!
Goodbye multi-tiered patios! I shall mourn your absence when I am sitting in a TO patio that comes complete with exhaust fumes!

Au revoir!