: notes to self :

and she can hardly breathe without you

It was a perfect day for softball, but despite the sunshine and divet-less field, we still lost. it was a close one 12-11 for them, and I think this was the most disappointing game of the season so far, because we were in this until the very end. one measley run. sigh.

i continued my undisputed streak of poor hitting/defence, but that's not what is getting to me. my sucky play i can deal with... my sucky attitude i can't. to make things short, i took advantage of family ties and let my moodiness erupt into an ill-worded tirade, for which i am horribly embarrassed and sorry. i feel kind of sick about it and i've apologized, but i still feel all at sea.
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i was wondering what was happening to me, where the moodiness was coming from... i've been pretty cheery of late, everyday things have been going fine. but since thursday, i've started to feel unsettled. foundations shifting, rearranging. and as usual, it's because of faith issues.

i realized this was the case because of a conversation i had with a high school friend that happened to be playing on the other team. i was genuinely happy to see him, excited to hear what he was up to. following the game, after i soundly reprimanded him for hitting a huge fly ball straight at me, we started talking about some fairly heavy issues and i was almost stunned when i heard what he was saying.

this guy, rather this boy i had known in high school was suddenly a grown up. it was almost...beautiful...to hear him talk about his faith in such a steadfast way. yes, it sometimes sounded a bit cliched. yes, he used a few of those typical catch phrases that Christians use to explain God works. But despite this, I could feel his passion. I looked at him, solid, unwavering, even though his misery ran deep, so deep i could never understand it, and was amazed and sad at the same time. amazed that this once reticent boy had become a man who speaks and believes with a passion that is rare.


he's grown up.


and i haven't. that's who i'm sad for. not him, who will get through this hurt, but me. i'm still such a child when it comes to spiritual growth. i'm frustrated because i can't seem to be getting anywhere, spinning my wheels, stuck in neutral, insert whatever other metaphor you want. in a fit of self-directed anger, this verse came to mind:

1 corinthians 13:11:
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

i'm not taking mercy seriously and i've become pretty complacent. when am i going to grow up? if i can't even step up now, how can i handle being responsible for bigger things... like another person's heart? another being's life...? i guess i've done a good job at ignoring the little tremors of despair that have occuring lately due to everything from the state of global politics to household dynamics, leaving them to create a chasm of frustration, while I run around Martha-style. i apologize for my moodiness. I apologize for not taking You seriously. I apologize...