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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
i is me
so... i think i`m coming home for good this year. recently everything has been looked at from the only-here-for-one-year angle... so i guess i really am convinced, just hesitant about actually verbalizing it. anyways, chinese new year is this weekend... i always thought it happened in february, but i guess the last week of january is close enough. it`ll be weird to celebrate it, without being surrounded by the red and gold of chinatown and market village/pacific mall, not seeing rows of open cardboard boxes displaying glutinous sesame cakes and lap cheoung...being in japan, and becoming totally involved with my japanese identity worries me sometimes because it feels like my chinese/indonesian side is losing out, causing a cultural imbalance in my identity as a whole. but it`s always been like that i guess, japaneseness winning out since ots was/is the dominant figure in the family... i mean my full name is japanese, people say i look japanese vs. chinese, and i can make myself be understood in japanese vs. my nonexistent mandarin/cantonese or paltry indonesian. it`s weird, i feel like my chinese-ness is hidden underneath all of this japanese-ness, waiting to be exposed... but...i`m not really sure what it means to be chinese, which as i type this, is rather shocking.
i don`t feel chinese.
i guess i kind of know what it`s like to be japanese to a certain extent, as much as any gaijin can i guess... i don`t know how to be chinese... i mean i know that being chinese is this ever changing, nebulous notion, and there is no one prescribed path to becoming chinese. also, understanding how to be CBC is completely different; i don`t even know if i have that down. and even then, i don`t know how many CBCs really feel Chinese, cultural identity being watered down and everything in the West. i understand that some people will say that you can`t always feel a culture, you can only be human, you`re Canadian!... but there are moments in japan, where i feel japanese, like yes, i feel like i belong here and i understand them. and i guess just being asian in Toronto, i feel a responsibility to be _________ ...
is it wrong to prefer one side over the other? i dunno... right now, it feels like a betrayal of sorts. and it gets a bit more complicated since mom is chinese-indonesian, which involves a whole other set of memories, experiences and perspectives foreign to "typical" Toronto HK-mainland Chinese. i remember going to my first Indonesian service a couple of Christmases ago with the family, and being so taken with the way Pastor Joe Surdigo spoke, how he rolled his r`s, and how the Indonesian language just punctured the air powerfully and passionately. the inflections of Indonesian are varied; it`s a bit more abrupt than japanese, but smoother than cantonese i think... i really like it. people can sound wicked furious in indonesian =)
when victoria talks about being chinese, i feel this weird disconnect from her... i can recite the virtues of toronto, in all of its multicultural glory, and how our chinese community is vibrant and growing blah blah blah... but more than half of the time, i don`t feel what I`m saying. they`re just facts. going to the kobe chinatown was also a bit weird. i just felt like a tourist, not really engaging in the chinatown, just kind of gliding by. maybe i`ve been in japan too long. maybe it`s unnerving how the japanese can mess up the taste of chinese food (i bought oyster sauce the other day....and chinese lettuce...) which makes me feel more alienated. i think it`s also because i can`t speak the Other language well at all... i`ve noticed how important language facility is in terms of allowing you to feel functional... and since functionality and identity are dependent on each other, i`m at a loss =) sighsighsigh... boooooooooooooo. i wish i was whole something. down with fractions.
i`m half chinese. weird.
so... i think i`m coming home for good this year. recently everything has been looked at from the only-here-for-one-year angle... so i guess i really am convinced, just hesitant about actually verbalizing it. anyways, chinese new year is this weekend... i always thought it happened in february, but i guess the last week of january is close enough. it`ll be weird to celebrate it, without being surrounded by the red and gold of chinatown and market village/pacific mall, not seeing rows of open cardboard boxes displaying glutinous sesame cakes and lap cheoung...being in japan, and becoming totally involved with my japanese identity worries me sometimes because it feels like my chinese/indonesian side is losing out, causing a cultural imbalance in my identity as a whole. but it`s always been like that i guess, japaneseness winning out since ots was/is the dominant figure in the family... i mean my full name is japanese, people say i look japanese vs. chinese, and i can make myself be understood in japanese vs. my nonexistent mandarin/cantonese or paltry indonesian. it`s weird, i feel like my chinese-ness is hidden underneath all of this japanese-ness, waiting to be exposed... but...i`m not really sure what it means to be chinese, which as i type this, is rather shocking.
i don`t feel chinese.
i guess i kind of know what it`s like to be japanese to a certain extent, as much as any gaijin can i guess... i don`t know how to be chinese... i mean i know that being chinese is this ever changing, nebulous notion, and there is no one prescribed path to becoming chinese. also, understanding how to be CBC is completely different; i don`t even know if i have that down. and even then, i don`t know how many CBCs really feel Chinese, cultural identity being watered down and everything in the West. i understand that some people will say that you can`t always feel a culture, you can only be human, you`re Canadian!... but there are moments in japan, where i feel japanese, like yes, i feel like i belong here and i understand them. and i guess just being asian in Toronto, i feel a responsibility to be _________ ...
is it wrong to prefer one side over the other? i dunno... right now, it feels like a betrayal of sorts. and it gets a bit more complicated since mom is chinese-indonesian, which involves a whole other set of memories, experiences and perspectives foreign to "typical" Toronto HK-mainland Chinese. i remember going to my first Indonesian service a couple of Christmases ago with the family, and being so taken with the way Pastor Joe Surdigo spoke, how he rolled his r`s, and how the Indonesian language just punctured the air powerfully and passionately. the inflections of Indonesian are varied; it`s a bit more abrupt than japanese, but smoother than cantonese i think... i really like it. people can sound wicked furious in indonesian =)
when victoria talks about being chinese, i feel this weird disconnect from her... i can recite the virtues of toronto, in all of its multicultural glory, and how our chinese community is vibrant and growing blah blah blah... but more than half of the time, i don`t feel what I`m saying. they`re just facts. going to the kobe chinatown was also a bit weird. i just felt like a tourist, not really engaging in the chinatown, just kind of gliding by. maybe i`ve been in japan too long. maybe it`s unnerving how the japanese can mess up the taste of chinese food (i bought oyster sauce the other day....and chinese lettuce...) which makes me feel more alienated. i think it`s also because i can`t speak the Other language well at all... i`ve noticed how important language facility is in terms of allowing you to feel functional... and since functionality and identity are dependent on each other, i`m at a loss =) sighsighsigh... boooooooooooooo. i wish i was whole something. down with fractions.
i`m half chinese. weird.
// posted by naomi @ 1:55 a.m. 
